Monday, September 25, 2017


I have been an anxious person at least since I was 10 or 11. I remember watching The Sixth Sense (which was my favorite movie at the time) and asking my mom towards the end (when it gets super suspenseful) why I couldn't breathe. Since then, I have had seasons of anxiety. It comes up at different times -- my senior spring, for instance, when I was in a full-fledged panic over which college to attend, trying to survive make an A in my AP Calculus class, fearing the loss of identity that would come with graduation, and developing a full eating disorder. Then in college, when the transition away from home rocked my world unlike anything prior. And since being married, it's come up in seasons of work stress or newborn baby stress and moments I don't have a great physical outlet to deal with it (like hot yoga).

Falls also tend to be really stressful for us (as in, me and Drew). We broke up multiple times in the fall. We've had school issues in the fall. Work issues. Stressful wedding seasons. Family turmoil. Illness. You name it. I have tried to pray off any kind of actual spiritual issues that are recurrent, but this fall is yet again kicking my ass.

I thought finally getting my high school reunion planned would relieve me of this crippling chest-crushing anxiety, but it hasn't. It brought a new set of problems to resolve -- dealing with how I handled myself around ex-boyfriends and still trying to please the popular crowd (ten years later, with no relationship with them outside of this). I have to let a lot go, but it's not without things to work through.

I have two big weddings mounting. That's got to be some of the most serious pressure. (One is the second most high-end wedding I've ever done.) My health is deteriorating, so I'm in the process of waiting to receive my continuous blood glucose monitor and figure that out. The girls are good, which is a massive blessing. Drew's in the midst of a potential work situation change (talks of promotions and responsibility shifting on the horizon). We're trying to deal with finances and get a good grip on them at long last. Beautycounter is stalling out for me, as the impending holiday season is fast approaching. Family life is tense and under pressure (as my sister's family is currently living with my newly retired parents -- 3 adults, 3 kids, 3 cats, 2 dogs, 1 roof; plus my two girls one day a week when Mom watches them). THERE IS SO MUCH.

I know the way to deal is to breathe, take things one little step at a time, keep things in perspective, and prepare. Be intentional. Let things go. Meditate. PRAY. Do some yoga. Connect. Consume less caffeine. But it's hard.

This is a refining season. Time to let go of bad habits, develop good ones, survive. Learn.

It's just hard to breathe.

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