Wednesday, October 19, 2016

pregnant and diabetic -- honesty time

Real talk time. Having pre-existing T1D this pregnancy sucks. It's stressful (SO stressful), minimally painful (shots, finger pricks, blood draws), difficult to plan around (you have to plan everything. Going somewhere there might not be "safe" food? Better pack snacks), and you never know how you're actually doing unless you get bloodwork back (for long term data) or see an ultrasound to assure you your baby will not be 14lbs and have crazy defects.

I bounce between extremes -- hyper vigilant about going for a run after a meal and eating only salads and no refined sugar whatsoever, to lackadaisical and "I'm doing my best!" and indulging in splurge meals (as splurgey as somewhat reasonable) and crossing fingers my long-acting shot will cover that extra bowl of raspberries and whipped cream or homemade cookie. Unfortunately the pendulum swings lax more often than ultra dedicated.

In all honesty, it makes it hard to get excited about the baby (or even think about her) a lot of the time. I don't know if that's because I don't want to get disappointed, or if I have too much to worry and consume my thoughts about already, or just part of the "second child" phenomenon where you're focused on your firstborn because they're in your "right now" moments demanding time and attention and thoughts. Toddlers aren't a piece of cake to juggle when you're exhausted, trying to prick your finger, just wanting a nap, or whatever else.

I don't want to be so complain-y. I want to cherish every moment of this pregnancy because it is sacred and such a special time I will always remember and wish I could hold onto later on. The second I was handed Lilly I said, "This was worth everything," and I know I'll feel the same way with Julianna Cate. Anything to make her healthy. Anything to make her vibrant, alive. Anything to "not screw her up" -- this is my constant fear.

It's hard because it feels like a pain in the ass to be accommodated. It's hard because there's so much weight of responsibility with everything I eat. It's hard because there are so many delicious things out there (and I'm not even talking anything truly decadent), but even one spoonful of too many black-eyed peas will send my levels skyrocketing. It's hard because it's constantly changing. My insulin production varies DRAMATICALLY over the course of a DAY -- I can eat a bowl of shrimp and grits or a chorizo crepe or an egg & cheese biscuit in the morning, but if I tried to have the same meal at 2pm, my blood sugar level would DOUBLE. It's hard because it makes me feel uncontrollably fat -- because insulin is a fat storage hormone, and the more you eat the more you have to take and the more you take, the fatter you get. It's hard to know what works, to put in the work (the grocery shopping, the meal prep, the portion controlling, the timing), and then not even have the 100% assurance you did it right. It's hard because I want to seem like I have it under control but I'm constantly second-guessing myself, having to justify my decisions to well-meaning Drew while also feeling so selfish because I couldn't resist that cookie at Mom & Dad's. 

I WANT to be positive. I want to speak life and positivity and light into Julianna Cate throughout this pregnancy. I want to have faith that I am capable of taking on this challenge with the strength of God. I also want to be perfect, to have perfect levels after every meal, to send perfect logs to my health care providers, have a perfect bill of health at every ultrasound, never have to worry about anything going awry because this disease is perfectly controlled. 

Please know that I am so, so grateful, despite the hard, despite the negativity, despite the honest ugliness. I am so grateful to be carrying LIFE. To have this time with my perfect little second daughter. To have another DAUGHTER! (My dream!!!) To be this close with her. To feel her kicks. To have otherwise good health. To have had 25 years without the disease. For it to be my burden and not my children's. I would literally take on ANYTHING to spare them. I am so grateful to have this disease which is so minimal -- it's just inconvenience, ultimately. It's livable. It was caught early. There are so many ways to treat it long-term. It forces me into healthier living. Advancements are coming at the speed of light. Our timing happened to work out for the best results for Anna Cate. We were able to have a healthy perfect child already. I have a supportive, loving, present, living, healthy husband. I have supportive family and friends. I have compassionate health care providers - a whole team of doctors, nurses, specialists who counseled me in the planning stages, and monitor everything closely now to make sure Julianna Cate and I are safe.

This is my heart poured out. I am scared. I am worried. I am hopeful. I am grateful. I am trying my best to make it one day, one meal, one bite at a time.

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