Thursday, February 18, 2016

'fess sesh

It's link-up time!

I confess...

I love love love breastfeeding. It's my favorite thing. I love the bonding, nourishing baby from my own body, the calories burned, the big(ger) boobs, the fact that I alone can comfort her in that way, the physical relief of her feeding, how precious she is when she requests eating, all of it. It's certainly made me much less self-conscious after almost ten months of pulling out my boobs, and it goes by so much quicker now than it did in those early days of hour-long nursing sessions. Biting suuuuucked (umm last week) but it seems like we've moved past that, thank goodness!! Bleeding into my bra -- no bueno. But along the confessionals line, I totally plan to breastfeed her as long as she wants. Unless I have to stop for some reason, she can wean when she's ready. And I'll probably weep when that day comes.

(I also confess I would share any of the hundreds of BFing selfies I have, but I'm afraid my mom would read this and disapprove... so here's the first time I BF in public. And one of the few times it was with a cover. ;) )

They played one of the songs I used to hear regularly in my prenatal yoga class, in our mama-baby yoga class Monday. It immediately conjured a wave of emotion -- remembering that anticipation, uncertainty, the feeling that "she can stay here safely in my womb forever", remembering the stress of frequent doctors appointments, the anxiety of last winter, and the overwhelming sense that this time is precious and sacred and going fast and will never happen again. I try to enjoy every single moment while it lasts (and seriously, we have so much fun with this perfect little girl) but it feels like so much pressure to soak up everything when you're also juggling the other areas of life too (health, marriage, faith, work, emotions, relationships, etc). There just isn't enough capacity to take it all in. I feel a literal ton of internal pressure to make the most of whatever subsequent pregnancy I experience (provided I get the opportunity to carry another child) because that will most likely be our last. That makes me sometimes want to wait a longer time in order to maximize it. And then other times I want children close in age, so I think about a sooner timeframe. Sometimes I want to "get it over with" so my body can recover fully and completely, but then I worry I'm going to miss the chance to fully appreciate it as it is now (since it probably won't be as elastic next time?). In other words -- I'm torn. And actually find some of the overwhelming aspects of all-encompassing maternal love to be negative. (Not the love itself but the overwhelm and desperation and sense of doom it can bring.) It literally hurts to love this much, so much so I can't think about it often and still function in the world. Is that the root of all postpartum depression?

Lilly caught a stomach virus Tuesday night and was up at all hours puking. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. She's the sweetest little girl -- smiling, singing, and babbling in between feeling horrible and losing her lunch. I also now have a track record for crying when I see her in physical distress. Thank God I have a mom who's a nurse who answers her phone in the middle of the night when we don't know what to do / if we should take her to the ER / that the pediatrician's office also answers their phone for midnight calls too. And thank God this was just an 8 - 12 hour bug that did not require any additional doctors' visits. My sister's family has been sick in Georgia this week too. Stomach bugs SUCK!

(sleepy sick baby)

Opportunities for Drew and I to sit down and have an actual conversation where we look at each other in the face and talk, undistracted, are very few and far between. It really causes a strain, too! You don't realize how much that uninterrupted communication matters until you don't get it for a long time. It's too easy to be ships passing in the night / watch TV or be glued to our phones / focus solely on entertaining bebe when we're together (especially with long hours of busy tax season). We had a pretty discouraging conversation with some really great couple-friends who are in their 40s-50s over the weekend, since they said it doesn't get easier -- you just get used to doing things independently and don't crave that constant togetherness after a while, when your kids get older and life gets busier. We're going to make it more of an effort to prioritize time together since that is one of our primary love languages. And maybe we will get more accustomed to independence within our marriage, but hopefully in a positive way. :/ Regardless, we did get a chance earlier this week to sit on the couch after Lilly went down and talked through where we see our future going and what some potential paths are before us. It's kind of crazy that we're making plans for "when we're 30" and it's not that far off. It's also bizarre to think we were newly married at 23 and almost four years have passed so quickly. Drew says he feels like it's flown by and it has in some ways, but I also feel like we've been married forever and a million things have happened since we said "I do." Insanity to think what can happen in another 3.5 years. AHHH!

After changing the sheets and doing a million loads of linen laundry from Lilly's vomiting spells, I managed to not fasten her diaper securely this morning and now there's a huge pee stain on our mattress. Grrrrreat! I confess I was grateful I hadn't showered yet when I napped with her this morning after teaching my 5am hot yoga class, since we BOTH had to get baths after this uh-oh! Now, onto seeing how effective baking soda is at getting out pee...

(after bathtime this morning)

Left to my own devices, I'm afraid all I would ever eat would be egg sandwiches, string cheese, and ice cream. Not because I love those foods all that much (they get old so fast!), but I am THAT lazy / cheap / don't care to cook. Thank God Drew is the cook in the family. It's just these days I have to fend for myself (#busyseason) that I eat terribly.


Got any good confessions of your own today? Anyone care to contribute to the "Kelly needs a vacation desperately after this helluva week" fund? I have a girls' night tentatively planned for Saturday and Drew and I are going to a concert tonight (is this the year of concerts for me or what?), so maybe those things + warmer temps this weekend will make up for all the pissy laundry. Ha!

1 comment:

  1. Could she be any cuter? So glad that you have loved breastfeeding and good for you for not worrying about covering up! I have to say, the longer I nurse (even more so with #2) the less self-conscious about it I am. Even with our friend's husbands, if their wives nursed, then they get it. I just cover my boob and will nurse anywhere!